Where Do Babies Come From?
by Zimithrus1
Summary: The question hit him like a mastered Thundaga Materia. He wasn't expecting Marlene to ask him something like this! After all, wouldn't her father be a more appropriate choice for a question of this intencity? He could only stare with widened eyes at the young six year old girl before him.


Okay, I don't even know how this one shot came to exsist, but it did. Perhaps I just enjoy writing Cloud all embarresed, and such. In a way, I kinda thought this might end up being cute, in some form of twisted way? XD This takes place a little bit after Advent Children, so, anyway, I hope you enjoy! Poor Cloud is certianly in for a ride this time! Rated T because Cid explains this in a good amount of depth. And his bad mouth! So, be prepared! You have been warned!  
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~XWhere Do Babies Come From?X~

The question hit him like a mastered Thundaga Materia. He wasn't expecting Marlene to ask him something like this! After all, wouldn't her father be a more appropriate choice for a question of this intensity? Maybe even Tifa? But she was in the bathroom right now. He could only stare with widened eyes at the young six year old girl before him. Sure, it was an innocent question, but for a guy such as him, he would have rather explained the quadratic equation to a dolphin in front of a bunch of people then try to answer this horrible question.

The young girl stared up at him with a curious look on her face. "Cloud? Are you okay?" She asked, observing how freakishly pale the man turned by just that simple little question.

"Um...Shouldn't you be asking these kinds of questions to Barret or something?" Cloud nearly stammered, not having enough courage to look at the young girl in her chocolate brown eyes.

"You know he's not around as much as you are anymore. So I figured I could just ask you." Marlene spoke with a smile.

"Well, You've certainly put Cloud on the spot, huh Marlene?" Another voice spoke up from behind the two.

"What? I just want to know! No one wants to tell me!" Marlene pouted, stamping her foot on the ground as she puffed out her cheeks.

Denzel smirked as he passed by. "Have fun you two." He chuckled as he walked off.

It's a good thing he did, before Cloud would have asked Denzel if he knew so he could get out of this question. He really didn't like to be put on the spot like this, and with an awkward question coming from Marlene? He thought for sure his heart had stopped beating about three times now.

"So? You gonna tell me Uncle Cloud?" Marlene asked, slightly cocking her head to the right.

"Oh Gaia..." Cloud muttered quietly, trying to calm his now racing heart. "Well, you see...babies come from their mothers." Cloud explained.

Huh, that wasn't too bad.

"I see...And...How are babies made?" Marlene asked.

Okay, now it got much, much worse.

Cloud wished he had a delivery to make so bad right now, too bad he already finished his route for the day. He was starting to regret going early to do so. He couldn't take this, if he told Marlene this, one of two, or possibly three things would happen. One, Barret would try to skin him alive. Two, Marlene would become emotionally scarred. Three, He just might die of embarrassment. He needed help! He couldn't so this alone! He nervously swallowed hard.

"Uncle Cloud, are you okay? You look as if a ghost just scared you." Marlene noted.

"I wish it was that." Cloud said as he sighed in defeat. Just then, the front door of Seventh Heaven opened up and closed in a rude fashion.

"Oh, well, I better go see who it is!" Cloud nervously sputtered. He was turning around, but Marlene grabbed the long fabric on the left side of his pants.

"Nu-uh Cloud! You gotta answer my question!" Marlene protested. There really was no way out of this.

"Hey! Can I get some help 'round here?" A familiar voice rang. It was Cid.

"I better go help him Marlene." Cloud told her. She released him.

"Fine. But I still want an answer okay?" She pouted as she crossed her arms. Cloud nodded and scurried off.

He went downstairs to see Cid sitting at the bar counter, drumming his fingers against it as he released a sigh. He turned when he heard someone come down the stairs.

"Holy shit man! You look fuckin' pitiful!" Cid snorted.

"Cid, You've got to help me!" Cloud nearly whimpered and he leaned in close to the older blondes face.

"Man, chillax ya' little fucker. What's your problem?" Cid asked, becoming quite amused.

"It's Marlene. She just asked me where babies come from and I can't do it!" Cloud admitted, letting his head fall onto the bar counter as he moaned. Cid was silent for a moment before he bursted out laughing.

"Are ya' fuckin' pullin' my chain here?" He snorted out, still laughing. "I am serious! Come on! Please!" Cloud begged.

"Holy shit. Yer fuckin' beggin me aren'tcha?" Cid said, stopping his laughter to become serious.

He couldn't believe it. Cloud Strife, supposed savior of the planet, couldn't answer a simple question that every kid asks?

"Alright man, fer fucks sake, I'll help ya'." Cid said, shaking his head.

"Thank you so much!" Cloud exclaimed, completely grateful.

"Wow. Ya' really are serious." Cid said, shaking his head lightly.

"Marlene, come downstairs." Cloud called. The young girl bounded down the steps in a hurry.

"Do I finally get an answer to my question?" She asked.

"Ya' sure do kiddo! Sit down an' have a seat! It's time for sumthin' I like ta' call 'The Talk'." Cid began. Marlene sat beside him.

"Why isn't Cloud telling me?" Marlene asked.

"Because Cloud's a pussy." Cid bluntly said.

Cloud glared daggers at Cid, but he couldn't really do anything. He WAS getting hom out of a sticky situation anyway. He took a seat on the opposite side of Cid. "Okay, so first. The man and the woman get a little somthin' called 'Horny'. Ya' see, it starts out as some light smooching, then it turns into 'Oh-my-god I-love-you-so-much!-I'm-going-to-suck-your-face-off!' So they get a lil' frisky and start toungin' each other, ya' followin' me squirt?" Cid asked, to see if Marlene was still keeping up. She nodded her head yes with a big smile on her face.

Cloud was already starting to regret this.

"So then, that make out session become so powerful that they start makin' there way to a nearby bed, couch, floor, whatev' man, but the point is, this session is so strong, that it makes 'em rip their clothes off and jes' throw em' on the floor cause they wanna get a good fuckin'!" Cid continued on. Marlene hung onto his every word with big eyes.

Cloud was DEFINITELY starting to regret this now.

"Cid, what are you doing?" Cloud gulped.

"I'm answerin' her question ya' pussy, shut up, I'm workin' here!" Cid said, before turning back to Marlene, still listening.

"Okay, so then the man usually pushes the woman down onto the bed, okay? then he sticks himself into the womans...fronthole I guess you could call it that. Then their all bangin' against the walls and it sounds like one of em' is getting murdered because they could be all loud n' shit, and they call this session of intimacy 'Sex'. You still with me?" Cid asked, propping his head up on the counter using his hand. Marlene nodded.

She didn't looked scarred or frightened at all. Perhaps this wasn't such a bad idea after all.

"Okay, then after that, the man and woman do an action that is called an 'orgasm' or 'cum' whatevr' word ya' wanna use. Then they get fuckin' exhausted and collapse beside each other then end up fallin' asleep. If you wait a couple weeks, ya' might find out 'Ah Shit! She's pregnant!' And boom. That's how babies are made." Cid smirked. He actually looked quite proud about his explanation to the girl.

All that detail made Cloud's stomach churn.

"Wait, can people get horny anywhere at anytime?" Marlene asked.

"Sure can." Cid responded.

"Oh my goodness!" Marlene shouted in realization.

"What?" Cid and Cloud asked at the same time.

"Cloud! That means you and Tifa were having sex last night! I heard those moans and screams! And you guys did it a couple of weeks ago too now that I think about it!" She loudly admitted.

Denzel just happened to walk in at the wrong time. His eyes widened, and he hurried back up the stairs, without a word, while Cloud began to choke on his spit. Cid whirled around.

"No fuckin' way!" He shouted. Cloud couldn't tell if he was red as a tomato, or white as a sheet by this time. He felt sick to his stomach now though. Just then Tifa came down the stairs.

"Oh hey Tifa! Cid taught me about sex today!" Marlene smiled.

Tifa's eyes widened.

"I know where babies come from too!" She added on with a big grin. Her eyes went back to normal before speaking.

"I guess that's one thing I won't be needing to explain anymore." She spoke.

"Tifa? w-What are you getting at?" Cloud asked, becoming insanely fearful at the moment.

"Well, I'm pregnant." She spoke.

The whole place was in an uproar then, and Cloud fainted. Too much happened in one day for him.


End file.
